Diary of a Research Cat: Picking a 'subject'

 
 

I has a ver keen interest in infearior, inphearior, in... bugger... lesser species. Some how though there has been a ver big mistake in meh life, and fur some reason I is finding myself living in captivity like some common criminal. I do believe I may have been born into captivity. What is ver bad though is that some idiot put two hughmans in charge! Rediculous. But I has to obey them because they is also the only ones who can open teh cans, and whoever it is who has trapped meh here has cruely put all my supplies in cans and bags. I also has three ver silly kat inmates who live with meh. The white one, which they call Dinah seems to get favourable treatment and is often called "Princess". I don't like this, I has no title. This has disturbed meh, so I tried proving meh superiority by beating her up... but that made the two puny hughmans ver angry. Not a good tactic it seems. There is also a small kat called Poppy. She is clearly ver mad. I think it might be a ploy though to convince our cruel captors that she is ver insane and should be removed from this hellish existence. If this ploy works I might have to copy her tactics. This Poppy might not be as stoopid as she looks. The third kat is a ginger kat and goes by teh name Macca or Macavity. I does not trust this kat. He is looks like a kat and eats with us, but I think he is in cahoots with teh two hughmans. He refers to teh male one as "teh master" and seems to enjoy his existence far too much. I intend to keep meh eyes on that one.

Trying to communicate with a "miniachore"

As I is a research kat I watched meh fellow captive kats fur a while now. I has even tried to convince them that we could escape this prison. But I fear they has become institatushionalised, instertutionalised... damn it... used to living in captivity. So much so that I think they likes it now. Strange. So I is clearly having no allies in meh plans to escape this hell. These other kats have proved useless to meh, and so I has decided to turn meh attentions to teh hughmans after two failed years on teh other kats. It is meh belief that they holds teh key to meh freedom. I has seen them leave this prison through the portal they call a "daw". They then come back sometime later through this "daw". There is clearly some primitve ritual involved in commanding this "daw" to open and close. I thearise, fearorise... stoopid language... I thinks that if I study them long enough I will be able to collate enough infomation to be able to open the "daw" fur mehself. Clearly the land beyong teh "daw" is a wonderous place where cans of food are plenty, as they often come back with such food. Although I will write more on the terrible segregation in this prison when it comes to eating. Lets just say we kats are forced to eat off of teh floor, while they have "traas" and "tabulls". Ver undinified. This is what I have learned about teh two hughmans:

Macavity Ponderrs: Dice

   
     

Well teh master has decided that as kats are great and I'm teh bestest kat in teh world that I can has moar time to write meh own articles for his Blog. Bout time to I sayz. This Blog needs moar kats. So he has given meh the first Monday of every month to write an article for you all, they are so much better than wat he writes! So I is ver ready to give you all a kats purrspective on your silly hobby. Now I is probably not teh bestest kat in teh world when it comes to being lucky. I was born ginger so I is pretty unlucky. So I is going to talk to you hughmans about these dice you all use! As they is clearly ver important to you... and as a ginger and been unlucky, they hate me.

I has noticed that all of your hughman wargames seem to has dice and stuff in them, so you can pretend to actually be a big important general and stuff. Because you is all ver sad peoples and need to fill your lives with sum sort of game to make you all feel like real men, big men and stuff. You don't get many girls being so silly! They is far more sensible and like stroking cats. So I was finking about how teh dice are often different fur teh different games you plays. Well us katz has somethink to says about them, because they is ver different from each other. Teh games teh master plays uses all sort of dice to make him feel like a real big man, playing make believe with teh toy soldiers. So this is what us kats think of them.

Macavity Ponders: Wargames

Whats so gud bout sky faeries enyway? Worship kats instead!

I have noticed that you hughmans like to fight a lot over really silly things. You tend to fight over oil and stuff like whether there is a sky faery amd if so, which sky faery it is. Now don't get meh wrong, I is sure it is importulant to ascertain whether there is a sky faery, but surely if there is a sky faery it doesn't realy matter what kind of sky faery it is surely? You hughmans confuzzle us kats, yers you do, but what is really weird is that you likes to bring your petty skwabulls with you when you plays your games!

Fishes are importulant, amd tasty

Why? Seriously what is teh point? Aren't your lives carp enough as it is? Do you have to make your fun hobby time all miserable aswell? Fur starters why don't eny of your wargames have you fighting over enythink importulant? Like fishes or getting teh bestest spot in front of teh fire place? Why do you always have to fight over tihs objektiv or taht objekyiv? Amd just why teh hell are you all so fasciunated by Spam?!?! Have eny of you ever eaten Spam? Or is that all you eat? If so have eny of you ever eaten enything gud? Spam tastes horrible, eyuew!

Frontline Cat, now with added English!

Macavity is distraught

Frontline Cat is having a new recipe. It'll still have the same great lolzcatz flavour but will now have added juicy meaty chunks of English!!!

Well I tried having a bit of fun with the lolzcatz speech and letting Macavity do so articles, but it seems some of our non-native English speakers are having a bit of a hard time understanding the cats. Some of our native speaking English buddies too seem to have problems, which truth be told as a dyslexic I can fully understand. So the next articles will have added English with little bits of lolcatz speech, I'll also go back and edit the previous articles to make them slightly more 'comprehensible'. Macavity is distraught that his Sweedish, German, Polish, French and Spanish friends couldn't understand how awesome his opinions are and has decided to let me translate his words into English... after he went and sulked for a couple of hours. Peace out!

Articles now with added English:

Macavity Ponders: Battlefoam
Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers Quarter-finals
Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers Semi-Finals
Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers Grand Final

Macavity ponders: Battlefoam

Right there is this bloke in Americat whu makes all these really awesome bags amd stuff fur teh masters miniatures. I mean they is gud as kat beds but we kats think he can do better! What is teh point in putting miniatures in bags enyway? You only takes them out again! Tis ver strange behaviour if you ask meh. Why doesn't this Rowmeeyo fella just make teh Battlefoam kat bed instead? It would sells far better than teh stoopid miniatures bags he sells now!

Tis obvious that teh foam is designed fur kats, it keeps us warm amd comfurtable. It would keep us safe to amd you wouldn't wont your kats to get damaged now would you? Who would keep your lap warm then? Now I know you Hughmans aren't ver gud artists (unless it is teh piss variety) like us kats are. Your puny eyes can't focus properly and sees stoof properly. Tis not your fault you is rubbish really. So I haz done some wicked awesome pictures fur teh Rowmeeyo fella to copy amd makes us kats some propa Battulefoam so we don't have to put up with teh inferior bags enymoar! Take a look:

Greytest deesign eva: Paytent Macavity

So what do you think? Pretty awesome right? You could stack them to, you know to make a proper kat palace! I bet my master would buy meh at least one fur Kristmus. Email meh Rowmeeyo amd we can discuss contracts. Paws owet meow!

Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers - Grand Final

The saki and sushi were already there apparently... hmmm

Well I think I is finally got rid of teh master, amd am totally in control of teh blog now, yay! Bout time too, as you must all have been getting bored of him constantly going on amd on bout stuffs that ain't impawtant. I will do you some real blogs soon about propurr stuffs, impawtant stuffs you really want to know about. But first we is got to finish teh dujeon crallers articles. So I is better be getting on with it I reckon!

Last time out we kats did decide that teh final should be between Dead Rising amd teh Legend of Drizzt. Yers, ver gud games both of them. So we is now got to decide which one is teh winner of teh betest, most awesomely approves fur teh kats dunjeon crawlers. Tis ver serimouse business, amd I is so not drunk on saki... hic... amd am totally taken it serimousely... ooooh... moues... I is so ver hungry. I wander if we has eny sushi left over...

Teh Grrrwand fynell

Dunjeon amd Drguns: Legeond ov Drysst Vs Derwarfs Kengs Huld: Deyed Rysun

Macavity looks smug as his plan comes together... little does he know...

Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers - Semi Finals

Princess Dinah Bear of Dihnberia inspects the semi-finalists

Well I guess the quarter finals didn't go as badly as I first thought they would. Although I'm still concerned the bloody cats won't let me in the front room. Just who the hell is in charge around here any way (Macavity: 'I thought that was clear, tis us kats innit'), I'm really not sure anymore. However, what I am sure of is that the cats, despite being... erm... unorthodox in their cogitations, ruminations and deliberations, did actually manage to choose the right games to go forward into the semi-finals. Whether that validates the cats methods of discrimination is a totally different matter... oh well, I suppose I'm just going to have to let this particular piece of insanity run its course. The draw for the semi finals is as follows:

Dungeons & Dragons Legend of Drizzt Vs Claustrophobia

Dwarf Kings Hold: Dead Rising Vs Super Dungeon Explore

Excuse meh! It is meh job to introduce teh article thank you ver much! Unbelievable behaviour, you is so ver rude. Eneeway after teh quarter-finals we made some pritty gud choices I thought. We now demands respect! Bloody hughman it is our blog now, I is teh chaircat. On to teh deliburraysheons:

Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers - Quarter-Finals

They're back and more opinionated than ever!!!

OK so now I might be starting to regret that I agreed to let the cats do this. I mean they've locked themselves in the front lounge now for over a day with my bloody games, and only allowed their personal servants in to tend to their needs. Plus they allowed the Ministry's official photographer in to record their deliberations. If I'm honest I'm worried poppy will have turned all the boxes into one giant cat bed and Tybalt will have chewed all the game components to bits. This really wasn't a good idea, anyway here's Macavity...

Hello there meh hughman worshipers! Tiz I Macavity greatest Kat in teh world amd ruler of teh Ministry of Kats. I has been given teh responsibility of introducing teh article... because I is teh ver cleverest kat of teh lot. So teh blog is now going to be so much betterer than normal when tis written by teh master. He is gud, but he is no kat to be fair to him. Prepare fur teh bestest articles you has ever seen, they is teh awesome! here is teh first draw:

Dungeons & Dragons: Legend of Drizzt Vs Dwarf Kings Hold: Green Menace

Claustrophobia Vs Dungeons & Dragons: Castle Ravenloft

Descent: Journeys in the Dark Vs Super Dungeon Explore

Dwarf Kings Hold: Dead Rising Vs Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of Ashardalon

amd nowe ontu teh deliburraysheons:

Clash of the Dungeon Crawlers - By Cats

Poppy tests the strength of the various boxes... 'yers ver gud'

The Chaircat of the Ministry of Cat Approval contacted me earlier today via email. This has been followed up by a few telephone conversations regarding my ever burgeoning collection of Dungeon Crawlers. Macavity feels that the Ministry should try to work out for you all just which Dungeon Crawler is best. I thought this sounded like a great idea, and was about to suggest a format when Macavity cut me short. He and the other cats had a PowerPoint presentation to show me, and my attendance was requested. I have to say I was mightily impressed with the work and detail they'd put into their proposal, so much so I've decided to let them run with the idea. It's a simple one and I'll leave you in the capable hands of Macavity to explain it.

Helo meh hughman fryends I haz ver impurrtant infmazion wiv reegards tu teh articule on teh dunjeon crallers. Teh eyedea is a simpull wun. Wii taykes a lissed ov teh gaymes and poots tehm in a hatte and tehn wii piks tehm at randumb lyke yu du in teh sporwt cup thingies yu hughmans lyke. Wii Katz tehn rayte tehm agaynst eetch ovva tu fynd a winna outa tehm. Tehn du it alle agayn entill tehir iz ownlee wun leyft!!!

Handing control over to the Ministry of Cats

Macca in early negotiations

Against my better judgement I will be handing over editorial control of this blog to the Ministry of Cats later this evening. I have been really busy with the build up to Christmas and have been unable to produce or work on many articles to keep you all entertained and occupied while reading your smart phones when you should be out get the last bits of Christmas shopping. So the Chaircat of the Ministry of Cats came to me with a proposal. He told me he and his fellow cats had been working on a number of articles that he thought my readers might appreciate. He wasn't exactly insulting about the content of my blog... but... he wasn't polite either.