Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Diary of a Research Cat: Picking a 'subject'


I has a ver keen interest in infearior, inphearior, in... bugger... lesser species. Some how though there has been a ver big mistake in meh life, and fur some reason I is finding myself living in captivity like some common criminal. I do believe I may have been born into captivity. What is ver bad though is that some idiot put two hughmans in charge! Rediculous. But I has to obey them because they is also the only ones who can open teh cans, and whoever it is who has trapped meh here has cruely put all my supplies in cans and bags. I also has three ver silly kat inmates who live with meh. The white one, which they call Dinah seems to get favourable treatment and is often called "Princess". I don't like this, I has no title. This has disturbed meh, so I tried proving meh superiority by beating her up... but that made the two puny hughmans ver angry. Not a good tactic it seems. There is also a small kat called Poppy. She is clearly ver mad. I think it might be a ploy though to convince our cruel captors that she is ver insane and should be removed from this hellish existence. If this ploy works I might have to copy her tactics. This Poppy might not be as stoopid as she looks. The third kat is a ginger kat and goes by teh name Macca or Macavity. I does not trust this kat. He is looks like a kat and eats with us, but I think he is in cahoots with teh two hughmans. He refers to teh male one as "teh master" and seems to enjoy his existence far too much. I intend to keep meh eyes on that one.

Trying to communicate with a "miniachore"
As I is a research kat I watched meh fellow captive kats fur a while now. I has even tried to convince them that we could escape this prison. But I fear they has become institatushionalised, instertutionalised... damn it... used to living in captivity. So much so that I think they likes it now. Strange. So I is clearly having no allies in meh plans to escape this hell. These other kats have proved useless to meh, and so I has decided to turn meh attentions to teh hughmans after two failed years on teh other kats. It is meh belief that they holds teh key to meh freedom. I has seen them leave this prison through the portal they call a "daw". They then come back sometime later through this "daw". There is clearly some primitve ritual involved in commanding this "daw" to open and close. I thearise, fearorise... stoopid language... I thinks that if I study them long enough I will be able to collate enough infomation to be able to open the "daw" fur mehself. Clearly the land beyong teh "daw" is a wonderous place where cans of food are plenty, as they often come back with such food. Although I will write more on the terrible segregation in this prison when it comes to eating. Lets just say we kats are forced to eat off of teh floor, while they have "traas" and "tabulls". Ver undinified. This is what I have learned about teh two hughmans:

favourable treatment
Hughman 1: Male

He 'claims' to be male. But people insist on calling him by a girls name... 'Jody'. He also spends far too long looking in teh mirror and washing his long hair. I is not convinced of his gender. Plus teh other hughman, which I'm supposed to believe is female makes him do teh washing up and he cooks. No I'm not so sure this 'Jody' if that is his / her real name is male at all. Many of his annoying hughman visitors often question his manhood when he is playing games. All ver unusual these hughman rituals. They calls it "teh hobby". It seems to involve forcing small creatures to stand rigid fur long periods of time while they push them around on tabulls and throw dice. I have tried communicating with these small creatures they call "miniachores" but they is so scared that even when teh hughmans is not around they remain rigid... no doubt with fear. I has even tried to free them from their "battulfowem" prison. That angers teh hughman known as 'Jody'. I think he is onto me. Fur now though I am inclined to let him think he is in charge... although he is not. Puny hughman with his silly girls name and stoopid thumbs. I has thumbs too, I just don't show off with them like he does. I hate him.

I don't trust this one...
Hughman 2: Female

This one seems to be named after a seasonal plant, "Holly" which has something to do with a hughman ritual called kristmas and is about someone called "Satanklaws". No doubt some foul evil hughman deity devoted to the torture and mistreatment of kats. Teh ritual involves bringing a "kristmas tree" into teh house and covering it with dangling kat toys we aren't allowed to play with fur fear of punishment. Cruel, ver cruel.  So I have to question whether she is hughman at all. Monster. She is also doing something called a "Pea-haytch-Dee" although teh hughmans spell it PhD, coz they is stoopid. This seems to involve utilising a mobile komputer called a "laptop" to look up images of others cats who are also being tortured at various other sites around teh world. She calls them "lolzcats" and cackles manically at the indignities inflicted on these poor defenseless creatures. I have decided I will avenge them all. Kats is not to be used fur hughmans entertainment. Tis degrading and discriminatory. Unlike teh other hughman she does not partake of "teh bobby", which I think means they are from different tribes, so I am surprised there isn't more fighting between the two of them. It is wildly known hughman tribes have wars where they fight over petty things. Stoopid species.

Trying to be involved with "teh hobby"
I will endeavour to bring you meh observations of these two hughmans as and when I can. However, as I is nothing but a prisoner my access to teh machine they call a "komputer" is strictly limited. I hope to win them round by pretendings to be nice to them, so I can has more access to teh "komputer". I will suffer the indiginity of sitting on their laps fur "kuddles" and "strokings" not because I likes it. No, urgh, horrible thought! Although the scratching behind teh ears is quite nice... oh and teh belly rubs, I like teh belly rubs... where was I? What, wait, did I just type that? How do I remove words? Damn this silly machine... obey meh. This is a hughman mind control trick, they're trying to placate meh and brain wash meh! I don't know how long I can holds out and maintain meh sanity. I will try to pass on meh knowledge in teh hopes that it will help some other kats out there, if I can't save mehself meybe I can has help you. Fur now I will concentrate meh efforts on teh hughman male as his "teh hobby" doesn't seem to involve teh torture of kats, unlike those poor "lolzkats". So cruel. Fight teh power!


  1. I like these cats! Stay on your toes Frontline, you might have an 'accident'

  2. TYBS-
    Dey likes 'peace and quiet,' and unbroken stuffs. How boring iz dat?

    Dey will never apprecerate..apprecate...enjoy disorder and chaos likes we do.
    As long as dey open de cans in a timely fashion, I sayz let da hoomanz live...for now.
    I dunno 'bout Ginger Cat...are you sure he is not dog in disgize...disguy...some sorta costume?

    Will contact you re: destruction of earth as we discussed.
    I have faith you will destroy compooter dat contains dis message after you reads it.

  3. '(...)she does not partake of "teh bobby", which I think means they are from different tribes(...)'
    Very insightful!