Sunday 21 April 2013

Sunday Sermon: You catch more flies with honey!

      
         

One of the many sayings my Grandmother used to tell me, normally when I was being horrid to my little sister over something or other. to be honest with you, as a young whipper snapper I used to sit there dumbfounded as to why on earth anyone would want to catch flies? Seriously, why catch flies. As I grew older I took the wisdom from those words and realised that you often get more things done, and command more respect from others if you are civil, polite and treat other with respect you wish to receive yourself. However, the words of one of my bosses also ring in my ears "flies also like shit, so what do flies know?". It's not a difficult concept this honey pot thing though; simply put are you more likely t respond positively to someone who insults you, shouts at you and generally acts like a complete asshat... or are you more likely to respond positively to a person who treats you with respect, communicates in an open and fair way and is generally a good person? Just think about your own experiences for a moment, who have you been most likely to respond positively too in the past in your social interactions?

I've often thought about this, because being a 'nice guy' we're consistently told in slightly saccharine American rom-com's means we always finish last, except you don't because the cooky guy with the curly hair seems to get the girl in the end. Puke! Society though does put it out there that if you're nice you become a doormat; that people will walk all over you. A certain Iron Lady certainly believed in this selfish and self centered attitude, and as a society we've brought into this mantra far more than the 'be nice mantra'. You see, for every saying there is an equal and opposite saying. It sucks! Why can't things just be straight forward? I guess though if they were it'd make life a little bit boring wouldn't it? I mean, we all have to work this stuff out for ourselves, find out who we want to be. I've tended to go down the route that I much prefer being a decent person, true I'm likely to get quite vicious if you try to attack or otherwise harm my own, but I'm not the sort of person who views every social interaction as a confrontation. A chance to prove I'm 'better' or I'm 'right'.  I'm just not like that, I don't assume anything, I think long and hard about what it is I believe.



I've never taken anything at face value, and I always want to test things out for myself. So I've always been open to others telling me they think I'm wrong, or that maybe I ought to look at things again. It's good to have your beliefs and opinions challenged in this way for two reasons. Firstly if your opinion doesn't stand up to the scrutiny it doesn't mean you were wrong... well it does I guess... but, more importantly it means you've learned something new. I don't know about you lot, but I want to be smarter, I want to learn and so I view these occasions as being great events, because it means I'm smarter than I was before... and I think we could all stand to be a little bit smarter. Secondly, if your beliefs do genuinely stand up to scrutiny then you have affirmation that you are on the right track, that what you believe isn't just a steaming pile of badly thought out crap... yeah OK, you could argue that it means you were right, but I prefer to think of it as being less wrong; because we can never truly know what is right.

Thing is when you take the approach I do, you do indeed attract a lot of things with honey, not just the flies. Some of it is welcome, some of it less so. I've always given everyone the respect I believe I am deserving of myself, even though there are those who don't tend to give me that respect. Regardless, it's who I was brought up to be. I can't help thinking though that at times I've possibly contorted myself too much to accommodate people who are not deserving of my respect, not just on this Blog, but in life in general. I was told the other day that I missed out on a job because I was, and I quote 'too nice' in a group assessment center. I'd encouraged others to answer and speak up, I'd been supportive. I'd built a consensus and where appropriate stood my corner in a firm, but polite manner. It's who I am. Turns out, I guess, it's  not what this world wants of me. So perhaps it's not who I'm going to be anymore. Perhaps I should have attacked my fellow job-hunters in that group discussion for some of the crass idiocy they were displaying... perhaps that's what people want nowadays.

I can be ruthless when I want to be, I do have a highly competitive streak in me. A finely honed sense of cutting wit and an ability to tear strips off of people. I've done it in the past, it's just it has made me feel like a complete *bleep*. However, perhaps that interview feedback had a ring of truth about it. I accept that at times I'm too accommodating of others opinions, I've always felt that it is important to let everyone have their say, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't express my own opinions or beliefs. At some point I guess I've seemingly forgotten that actually I have a valuable and important voice that deserves to be heard as well. So while I'm always going to want to hear what other people have to say, and I'll be respectful of your beliefs, I'm not going to allow my own opinions and beliefs to play second fiddle anymore. I'm going to take a leaf out of my wargaming attitude book.


In a way playing wargames is a similar test of our beliefs, and knowledge. It's a test of how we understand and perceive the systems we uses to replicate little battles with teeny tiny toy soldiers. I've been 'schooled' plenty of times in my day; in fact when I was younger I was brash bold and utterly predictable and stupid. However, I've developed into a fierce competitor at most games. I will exploit any weakness I see, I will seek out your weaknesses as well. I'll be polite about ripping your best laid strategic plans apart, I'll even sit down with you and explain why what you did wasn't wise... but obviously after you've been roundly defeated and mercilessly put to the sword. I guess you can still be ruthless and be a gentlemen about it. I just have to take that competitive streak from the tabletop and apply it to how I approach other things in my life.

So for those of you out there who come here on my Blog and act like an idiot, sprouting rubbish in an aggressive no constructive way I will treat you and your drivel with the short shrift you deserve. I'm not going to suffer fools and angry Internet warriors anymore. Life is far too short to allow the nutters to win. Please feel free, as always to express yourself openly and honestly here. You are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, and I'll listen to you if you do, and I'll allow you to do so on here... as long as you do so respectfully and allow others to have their say. If you try to shout others down, even those I disagree with, I will not put up with you in any part of my life. I've had enough of the nutters, and I think most decent people have as well. Peace out!

23 comments:

  1. Good for you fella!
    Stand tall and proud for what you believe in and rise above those that just nitpick and shoot their mouth off.
    I have been reading your blog for over a year but never posted here. I found I often disagreed mightily with your views but have always enjoyed reading them and hearing your opinions.
    Sundays have not been the same without the sermon.

    looking forward to seeing the fire in your belly here a lot more in future. You are right to stand behind your convictions.
    ciao

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    1. I have no problem whatsoever with people disagreeing with me, and I will be respectful of anyone's opinions if they express them respectfully. So if you have anything to add to debates I'd be more than willing to hear what you have to say.

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    2. I am just happy to read and hear a different opinion.

      Just wanted you to hear from one of the silent masses to show not everyone who disagrees is a pain and that your opinion is valued.

      Keep plugging fella there are a lot of people out there like me who appreciate what you are doing.

      even if they disagree :-)

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  2. Replies
    1. You see, now you're just trying to be antagonistic!!! :P

      If any of you are wandering about J de Jong's comment, then read this aarticle:

      http://thefrontlinegamer.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/is-anger-gift.html

      If it is a Gift Mr de Jong, then I'm not entirely sure who the intended gift is for.

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    2. Of course I was also referring to the line from Rage Against the Machine's song Freedom. Anger can give you the strength to do something tough, but right

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  3. I believe that silence is the song of angry men. As a little humor though... do onto others before they do onto you! :P

    I enjoyed your article very much.I'll be off to some corner now getting ready for new flooring...

    CK

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    1. huh... do unto others before they do unto you. Not herd that variation on that well worn saying before. Or if I have, it never really sunk in!!!

      I don't know, I'm not about to start any fights, not my style. More often than not I'll walk from a fight I don't think is worth it either. Especially if I think the other person is an obstinate tool not worthy of my effort. But I am going to be more willing to fight my corner from now on and bring all my weapons to bear if somebody unwisely decides to pick a fight with me. The kid gloves will come off.

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    2. Writing on the internet, for me, has always been a balancing act and I have fallen on more that one occasion.

      I have done well for awhile now without getting caught up in any type of 'flame war' or spat that has come along but, like you, will defend the corner if necessary.

      thanks for the comments,

      CK

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    3. Captain Kellen, I think that's all any of us can do really. I'm not going to suddenly turn into an argumentative asshat because that's what everyone else on the Internet devolves into.

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  4. To me anger is something you have to manage like a pot of soup, too much heat and it boils over, well said on the post...from an anger management risk!

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    1. I'm not really a short fuse kinda guy, and I have a tendency to forgive and forget. However, when something does get me riled I've been told I'm a particularly cool, calm, collected and above all else savagely vicious opponent. A few years back at a company I'd helped set up a new guy came in and was being big, bold and brash. He started trying to rock the boat, make waves just to make a name for himself. He started trying to undermine two managers I had a lot of time for, and for some reason he seemed to pin his flag to my mast, I guess because at the time I had the ear of the CEO and a Government Minister. I tried using this to calm him down and put him on the right track. It didn't work and eventually I think he realised that I was starting to view him as a tool. In a board meeting he tried ambushing me with a report he'd written. I spent 10 minutes after he presented it dissecting it and more importantly him. I reduced him to tears in the board room and told him to man up and learn from it. He never did. So I can be absolutely horrible when I snap... so I'd rather not do that.

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  5. I'll just say that I think that at times I have rewarded people who shit on me at work by trying to please them no matter how much they abused me. As a young man I was trying to get along and keep my job. As I got older and shifted to a new industry I some how fell into the role of the FNG. I probably should have just cut it short and told them to take a flying you know what. Experience. It's what you get right after you really needed it.

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    1. Work is different in a way though Sean. I have a very military loyalty thing about the work place. Even if my boss is a complete tool, they're my boss and I'll do my best o support them and try damn hard to make things work. I've been in the situation where I knew something an organisation I worked for were heading in the wrong direction. I tried swaying the Exec Team with reason, reports and facts. They didn't listen and as I couldn't follow what they were doing I'd rather part ways rather than undermine their strategic direction. If a boss asks me to jump I'm going to ask how high!!!

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  6. Over time I've learned that while honey and vinegar do work in varying ways on flies, sometimes the most useful mixed metaphor is a fan aimed at the ceiling and a handful of shit held over it with a manic glint in your eye.

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    1. Are yes the shit flinger. I prefer surgical strikes myself... far less chance of friendly fire!!! :P

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    2. Ah there's the thing. As a wargamer you should know how to set an ambush where the enemy wants to go, and to then make it obvious so as to avoid them going there :P

      Really, the trick is to make it clear that when all is said and done, you're expecting it and brought an umbrella.

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  7. Interesting the comment on the interview, not knowing what sector it is that may be an influencing factor but does sound vaguely similar. The organisation I work for actively sends all manager level staff (and above) on training which covers personality types. Myers Briggs being one such 'system'. Interestingly off the back of that I found I did improve in my dealing with people as I could better follow where they were coming from.

    It still doesn't sway me from my approach which is largely close to one of the best business stories I'd heard. Partner in a firm who would largely sit through meetings and just listen as everyone around him were arguing points back and forwards. They'd eventually grind each other down and come to a consensus at which point he'd usually chip in with a rather practiced flourish of removing his glasses. What he proposed was often as not a third option that the two other parties were too blinkered to consider, usually an approach which would work well for everyone and moreso becuase it was well considered and addressed their arguments rather than blindly sticking to their initial posision.

    More than anything else it's taking that time to sit back and think which was valuable, not the shouting people down and the being seen to be the 'driving force' of meetings. That is what I think group interviews should look for, those people are a bit rarer (and worth their weight in gold in my particular line of work).

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    1. The interview was for a post in market research actually, for a large American firm based in Redmond. I wander who that could be!!! they said they wanted team players and so forth and so on, but truth is they want jackals. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not me I guess. So many firms say they want strategic thinkers who can build consensus and be rational. What they actually want is flashy tools in sharp suits who don't mind making themselves look like complete tits because they're willing to throw temper tantrums like some spoiled little toddler.

      As to Myers Briggs I'm not a fan of his work, or Jung, or any psychoanalyst really, Feud was the worst of the lot though. As to the Myers Briggs I seem to remember depending on the way the wind is blowing I seem to either come out as an ENTJ or and ENFP, which are actually quite different when you get into them. So either I'm a contrary bugger or the Myers Briggs test isn't good enough to fully capture the complex personality identities we all have. I was also once told in a horrid business away day that I was a charismatic leader type, which totally pissed the CEO off...

      As somebody who studied psychology at university you might assume I'd go in for that sort of thing, but having studied it I know just how inaccurate it really is. To be honest, I sound a bit like that partner you mention in your story, I'm likely to keep my trap shut unless I think I've got something valid to say. I don't feel the need to talk in meetings just to get my name on the minutes if you know what I mean. If I have something to add then I'll pipe up.

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    2. *Freud*

      I think the batteries in my wireless keyboard are dying!!!

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    3. A Feudian slip if there ever was one

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    4. lol... maybe...

      Or as I say my batteries were running out and the bloody thing was dropping the odd letter. Some I noticed, others I didn't. Now the batteries have been changed it seems to be behaving far better!!!

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